September 3, 2019

Words by Clifton Walker

“Are you at least Bisexual?”

“No, that’s my not path bro!”

This was the ending of the conversation that my brother and I just had pertaining to me “coming out” to him in the spring of 2011.

I use quotations for coming out because I don’t ever recall “being in”! From a very early age I knew who I was and what I liked. I remember being ten years old and seeing images of gay and queer representations on television by the likes of RuPaul and having an internal conversation with myself to know that I was apart of whatever village/tribe that this person belonged to. I was well aware that I liked boys instead of girls because I never paid any attention to a group of girls in the same way that I did to a group of boys, and I knew I was special when I had a dream of being an older lad, wrapped in the arms of a burly six foot Nubian king who had the physicality of Michael Jordan back in the nineties.

Then, I remember being ten years old and having my first gay experience with my ‘play cousin’ in his room at his home in Bronx, New York…where we both were raised! It was something unfamiliar, unforgiving, and a little bit sensational!

Being a child of Jamaican descent I expected my coming out to be much more drama filled and having my parents disown me and not speak to me anymore especially with my mothers strict religious background and my father having such a semi-conservative upbringing but once I told my brother it seems like all the chips just fell into place and my parents were completely fine, accepting, and welcoming of this underlying purpose that their son was finally fulfilling! I guess they weren’t too surprised I wasn’t enrolled in little league or football or soccer practice growing up! I was always the star of the school play or the major of the school dance or being the center of attention for anything performance based! This probably came from my love of Disney movies and musicals from such a young age and always singing along with the female leads in said movies. I even remember one occasion where I used my Zorro costume from Halloween the year before to up-cycle it into a blouse and free-flowing skirt (which were the shirt and cape from the costume) and sang along to the female leads song of an animated movie called ‘The Swan Princess’…my father and both of my play cousins were my involuntary audience, but I went out into the living room and sang my heart out like I never have before!

Then, a couple years after that my parents sat me down and told me that had come to an amicable decision to go into early retirement, give up the only home that I’ve ever known, pack a cargo container measuring twenty feet and move back to their island home of Jamaica…I don’t remember what I felt at that moment but I knew that at the age of 12, I was conscious enough to change my narrative and know that my gayness was something I had to let fly deep down under the radar while being in this homophobic country. From finishing primary and starting and completing high school by the use of very convincing “girlfriends” and having a social persona that all my friends envied I was able to scape through without the slightest hint of detection from family, friends, or schoolmates.

Once I finished high school, I was on a mission to build back and regain all those years I had lost, however I was still in denial about who I was and who I desired. From living in both Florida and California with relatives, I presented myself one way in public but was completely different in private and it wasn’t until I moved to Virginia in 2010 and within a matter of months, I had my first real gay sexual experience with someone I had met online via Facebook…we met, had an amazing weekend and many more amazing weekends in the months that followed however, him and my true self were still a secret that I kept so close to my helm! Six months after that him and I broke up via phone call, and I never saw him again after that; needless to say that I was single for a long time; I didn’t date anyone nor was I in a relationship, I was trying to figure out how and where I fit into the world and how I can make myself a better person!

Then came the conversation of me coming out to my brother, I was completely dreading it at first but we just sat down at his kitchen counter and spoke and this sense of relief came over us and we were finally able to have the open and honest relationship that brothers are supposed to have, and although ours came later in life it’s been the best thing since!

Growing up I wasn’t the person who necessarily liked someone over the other but I knew that I was always able to identify with the female point of view and wanted to be her in any scenario, and that kind of consciousness made me special and it’s made me into the person that I am now…and all the life experiences that I’ve encountered has lead me to this exact point in life and how I was raised queer!