November 10, 2020

Words by Zoe Kim

Dear Mom and Dad, 

When I was struggling with my sexuality, it was not because I feared that you would not be understanding. If anything, I knew you would be. Instead, my fears were rooted in the possibilities of social exile and of failing in my role as the jongnyu (the eldest daughter of the head of the Euisung Kim clan). Growing up I resisted many aspects of traditional Korean life. Most of all, I resented the fact that I was expected to fulfill what I felt was a thankless role. And yet, despite all my whining and resisting, I still feel a sense of duty to the title. That is why I fought so hard to shove my feelings into a tiny box and store them away. The jongnyu I was supposed to be could never do something as audacious as be a lesbian. And still, those feelings persisted. Every single day they would try to break free of the box I had hid them in. It was an exhausting secret to keep because I was not only trying to hide it from the rest of the world, but from myself as well. 

As I struggled with pushing these feelings away, we moved to Texas and my world was turned upside down. Moving from the diverse urban setting of Los Angeles to the suburbs of Austin felt like being dunked in cold water. For the first time in my young life I was confronted by racism in the form of comments that reminded me exactly why I was the odd man out. I spent the next couple of years pushing away everything that made me different from my classmates. I didn’t want to be Korean anymore. Being Korean meant listening to people joke about the shape of my eyes or discount any academic success I had as a byproduct of my ethnicity. I especially hated the comments about my eyes. Suddenly I was not only fighting an internal battle over my sexuality, but my identity as a Korean woman as well. 

Looking back I’m inclined to laugh because it may have been the racism that inadvertently helped me to deal with the internalized homophobia. As I pushed away any links to my Korean heritage, I felt the pressures of being the jongnyu much less. With those pressures gone, it was more or less a waiting game. At what point would the feelings I had been suppressing burst from their hiding place? Turns out all it took was a string of high school crushes and one girl asking me to my face if I was gay. To this question I bashfully answered ‘no’, but that is where it began. Occasionally I would dare to think the words “I’m gay”. This continued until I dared even further and began to mouth out the words in a whisper. The first time I ever said them out loud I cried at the way they sounded, and the second time was when I told you, mom and dad. After that moment there were many things I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you about the things said in the locker room. I didn’t tell you about every time I got a dirty look while holding a girl’s hand in public. I didn’t tell you about the way other parents would make snide remarks. I didn’t want you to have to deal with the ugly truth of it all. Perhaps that was me fulfilling my role as the jongnyu. 

This September, 2020 marks 4 years since I came out to you and it feels like a milestone. 4 years ago I could never imagine being as comfortable with my sexual identity as I am now. While I am still in the process of adjusting, I find that I am enjoying the journey. These days I find that the looks strangers give don’t bother me as much as they used to, but comments still make me want to run for the hills. I find that what I feel is more than disappointment when I’m faced with homophobic people- it makes my heart ache for days. I think that I will continue to have days where I’m filled with anger at the ignorance of others and anxieties about how the world views me as a lesbian, but I’ve learned to find the joys as well. I feel lucky to know what it means to fall in love. I recognize that there’s still a long road ahead of me, but I want you to know that despite everything, I am proud of my sexuality. 

Since sexuality and racial identity have been intertwined in my life I also want you to know that I am proud to be Korean. While I disagree with some of the traditional values that our family works to uphold, I am still proud of my heritage. I love the eyes you passed on to me because they link me to you, so despite my years of trying to be anything but, please know that I love who I am. I am proud of who I am.