June 8, 2021
My name is Fergus Wade, and I’m a 24-year-old medical student in London. In many ways, I’ve been extremely lucky as a gay man, always having a supportive and accepting family and group of friends. Even being so privileged wasn’t without its challenges though. I’m originally from a rural area of England and attended a school in a nearby village. Since beginning at high school, I had a large group of female friends and got involved with a lot of theatre – some easy signs for the bullies to spot ‘the gay kid’. Although I tried to ignore the frequent name-calling and the occasionally more physical abuse, it impacted me massively and ground down my self-confidence over the years.
At this time, I had suppressed any feelings of my sexuality – knowing that there could be some truth to the hateful things thrown my way was hard to accept and I became determined not to prove the bullies right. As I wasn’t out during my school years, I internalised how hurt I was, rarely even opening up to friends about what people had said or done to me out of embarrassment and shame.
No matter how hard I tried to ignore that part of me, over the years it became impossible not to internally acknowledge my attraction to men. I decided that I would come out before leaving for university in London, that way I didn’t have to ever deal with it in the school environment and could bypass the awkward follow-up questions from friends and family. Like I said, I’m extremely lucky in that of all those I told I was immediately accepted and loved for who I was. London was an amazing escape for me from small-town life, and instantly became somewhere I could be somewhere unashamedly myself. I made other LGBTQ+ friends and went to gay clubs and bars and finally felt like I had a place in the world. It’s been a long journey to accept who I am, but since doing so I have a sense of freedom and pride, as well as a sense of belonging in a community.
It was when I was in the US, doing research at Harvard in 2018, that I met the love of my life – Devin Ibañez. In many ways, he and I are polar opposites – him a rugged, professional rugby player and me a theatre-loving, studious scientist – but we hit it off immediately with our similar sense of humour and love of adventure. As our relationship blossomed, I was ready to tell the world. I was so excited to have my first boyfriend and wanted to shout it from the rooftops that I was gay, proud, and happy. Devin, however, was still in the closet to the majority of his teammates and so instead I went back to hiding. I made my Instagram private and was selective over who I told what. It was difficult, and I felt that shame I’d taken so long to shake creep back into my life. January 2021 marks the 3-year anniversary of our relationship and I’ve never regretted the sacrifices I made for him. Devin came out in an Instagram post to the world recently, and I’ve never been prouder of him. Since doing so, he’s received so much support from the community and hopes this will help inspire other closeted LGBTQ+ individuals to take that step when they are ready – there is so much life to live after doing so.
Everyone has a different story but know that there are always people there for you. The LGBTQ+ community is ready to welcome you with open arms. Please feel free to message me, Devin or get in contact with amazing organisations like SafeSpace NOVA if you are struggling in any way – you are not alone.