August 11, 2020

Words by Lauren Brown

I was raised in southern Virginia – the oldest girl of four kids and the daughter of a preacher. I was pretty sheltered growing up and went to a small Baptist school in North Carolina for undergrad. Around the age of twenty, I had my first boyfriend but I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. Not with him, but with me. I realized that I enjoyed spending time with a certain female friend more than I enjoyed spending time with him. I adored her… and eventually I understood that I had romantic feelings towards her. This was a terrifying realization for me.

I moved to Chicago for grad school and though I dabbled in dating women, I ultimately retreated. My religious upbringing gave me a strong sense of learned shame and I was totally out of my comfort zone in the Midwest where I barely knew a soul. I remember this as a time of wandering. I knew who I was but I didn’t love or respect her yet. Years later (and a few pitfalls) I was ready to begin this leg of my journey.

I was twenty five years old when I started coming out. I decided to love myself enough to be authentically who I was despite my fear of rejection. Most coming out stories take place over years and mine is no different. Heck, I still come out every day. People often look at my femme appearance and assume that I have a man back home. I get questions about my “husband” or assumptions made about my life. I am much quicker and confident to correct them now than I once was.

Most of my friends at the time knew about this sequestered queer part of myself but I did lose a few friends when I came out especially those I grew up with in church. Church was a tough one. I’ve always been a spiritual person but the doctrine I grew up with wasn’t working for me. I fell in love with the Episcopal church where the focus was on faith in action, service and community. Also, Episcopal priests could be gay or lesbian and queer church members could attend (and have civil union blessings) without fear of judgement. I felt like my worlds had collided where I could be the spiritual seeker that I am while still being authentic to myself and my sexuality.

In addition to finding my niche of faith, I came out to my family. Most of the reactions I received were not pleasant. In fact, some were straight up awful. I put myself in many situations where I tried to educate my family members and give them opportunities to change. In short, some of them did but most of them did not. At some point after feeling somewhat like a human punching bag, I decided that I needed to keep moving forward and leave people where they were.

I dated around a bit but when I met my now-wife, I instantly knew that she and I were meant to be together. There was something organic about our connection where I felt like I’d known her before but I had never met her… It was the strangest and coolest feeling in the world. We got married three years later and now nearly six years later we have a baby on the way!

If I could tell my young self any piece of advice, I would say: be authentic to yourself. Let go of the people who don’t accept you for who you are, create your chosen family and find your niche! You are so beautiful and perfect and loved – just the way you are.