July 24, 2018
My name is Christopher Cross. I am currently the Vice President of Operations for oSTEM, Inc. (www.ostem.org), and the Founder of the Lavender Fund at Howard University (a University Scholarship for LGBTQ+ undergraduate, graduate, and professional students). The road I’ve traveled to self acceptance and confidence has been quite isolating and difficult at times and at other moments it has been fantastic and freeing. My coming out story centers near the end of my adolescence.
After I finished high school (pre-Obama years) I began to openly explore my sexuality. I always had a same sex attraction since I can remember but I never really acted on it full throttle until this time in my life. My hesitation to act was due to my childhood upbringing. I grew up going to a Baptist Church where my father served as trustee and he, himself was the son of a preacher. My mother also grew up with a steep faith in the Bible. Taken together, they both had a hefty literalistic interpretation of the Bible and subsequently I knew that my same sex urges and inclinations were just something the devil was throwing in my face to prevent me access to the pearly gates of heaven. In effect, I spent almost 20 years trying to pray the gay away and hide it from myself and others. I got pretty sick and tired of being on my knees, praying for something that never came and ultimately hating myself.
In college, I crafted a mental narrative that allowed me a caveat, I told myself “I’ll just explore this temporarily but I’m not really gay.” In hindsight, this was a major breakthrough. I figured out a way to let myself love freely but within strict boundaries. However… about my third boyfriend in I became undone. I had to face myself and know that it wasn’t a phase. A salient moment I will never forget was when I was 20 years old in Chicago at the Midway Airport crying because I didn’t want to leave my man. I had fallen so deeply for him that I couldn’t hold my feelings at bay and my internal levees broke. This was the first time that my vision of forever changed from Adam and Eve to Adam and Steve (pre-Obergefell V. Hodges).
A year later, my mother would challenge my new found belief. It was on the eve of 2010 when she would ask me if I was… “you know, like that…” as she put it. Apparently, she was speaking with co-workers that gave her the push to ask me. But I was ready. I told her “Yes, your co-workers are right. I am gay and men are attracted to me…” In the moment, it sounded pretty profound to me but I could have stopped before that last part… I think I was enlisting a sort of validation to give me strength. She started to cry and then I told her to stop. I told her it was fine and that I prayed long and steadfast about it and it’s okay. I told her that it’s not about being gay that stops you from heaven, it’s the lack of having a relationship with God. It was one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had but it has certainly given me strength to have more tough conversations in both personal and professional life. My ultimate take away from this experience was the knowledge of knowing that I am endowed by the Universe to be who I am. This foundational understanding gives me continued solace and guidance along my journey of growth and evolution.
If I may, I’d like to add that my parents are great people. They never stopped loving me or supporting me. They are from a different generation where being black and gay was a double whammy (it still is) and they wanted to keep me safe and positioned well for success. I understand that better now ten years later in our post-Obama years. I just hope young people like you will continue to be brave and push the envelope. Thank you for being you and showing the diversity of love. Love wins. For more information, please feel free to email me at Christopher.Cross@ostem.org.
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